Things I worry about:
- that I have either let my kids down or am just not the Dad I should be to Austin, Katey, and Emma. These kids have endured a lot of changes over the past year and I know that right now they simply cannot understand the complete picture of why everything has happened as it has. I love them beyond words, and want to do everything that I can to give them the best life possible. I know I can't simply buy their happiness and give them everything they might want (and wouldn't want to anyway), but I hope to eventually instill in them the understanding that there's more to life than just material things like fancy vehicles, clothes with particular stores' names stitched onto them, or unlimited funding for whatever may catch their eye. In other words, there's nothing wrong with wanting for something because it should create the desire to actually work hard for what they receive without any sense of entitlement or expectation for hand-outs. I have learned many lessons in that regard, and I hope they'll do the same.
- that I am not the man that Shana deserves. I can admit that there are times when I can be completely irrational in my opinions and thoughts and the way I happen to express myself; all I can do is attempt to be the partner that she wants and needs me to be. A lot of people think they know the entire story about particular situations, but one thing I can say for certain: they do not.
- the same goes for being a "step-Dad" to Ally, Juliet, and Jake. I love those kids as my own and want to be the best that I can for them. I never want to replace their biological Dads, because they have very good Dads - one of them is one of the finest human beings I know - so I simply want to be there for them when they need me and I hope to be a positive influence in their lives.
- that I will at some point lose the opportunity to continue doing what I know I do best: instructing students about art and art-making, as well as many other art-related activities. Sometimes there's much more to life than simply a "bottom line" and when real people are involved, then decisions should be based on a lot more than just financial budgets or a how a job description can be re-written for a different "skill set."
- that I might be wrong about my thoughts on certain religious belief systems. I like to think that a person such as myself is the most correct of all: I do NOT know the truth. I honestly believe that no matter how much as person thinks they know, or how strong their beliefs or faith about something may be, they cannot really know an absolute truth when it comes to spiritual matters. But believe me when I say that I'm searching very hard to find MY truth.
- that I have let down my Grandma and Grandad. I won't go into my thought processes regarding where they might be right now, but assuming they were still alive, I worry that they might think a lot lesser of me for the man I have become. These are two people that I respected more than perhaps any other, and their approval would also matter to me more than perhaps any other.
Of course I think about, worry over, and ponder a myriad of other things. But these are the ones I seem to go back to again and again...
#153 March 22, 2011, Ink
Sounds: Young Dubliners, Absolutely